Cats is the film equivalent of a disturbing nightmare so boring, it’s possible to fall asleep again inside the dream. Think an atavistic version of Inception but the spinning top definitely never falls over

Arranging itself like a fancy dress party for aliens desiring an outer body experience, Cats is the film equivalent of a disturbing nightmare so boring, it’s possible to fall asleep again inside the dream. Think an atavistic version of Inception but the spinning top definitely never falls over. There’s literally no escape from whatever Cats is, or what it was supposed to be.

Victoria (Francesca Hayward) is bagged by her owners, and thrown with the rubbish in a London side street. Soon jumped upon by a group of cats heading to the annual Jellicle Cats 2Ball, Victoria is invited to join a night of singing and dancing, where only one cat can win a new life in the Heaviside Layer, away from the humdrum life of city streets.

As I review films, I often find it tough publishing some of the harsher lines I put on this website, bit then there are films that make that easy. And then there’s Cats.

The film isn’t finished. The literal audacity to release a project that not only spins out an enormous part of its target audience with weird and goofy looking human/cats, but then cannot even be bothered to smooth out the CGI, or complete the touches that stop it looking like a PS2 game cut-scene just takes it to its own Heaviside Layer. It’s almost an insult to release a feature on such a scale that is blatantly unfinished. Director Tom Hooper may as well have stood at the front of each screening, and with raised arms proclaim: ‘Throw rocks at me for I am worthy. Stone the Witch!’ 

Add in the fact that, as clearly not enough people already knew, Cats is a terrible musical. So few of the songs stand up as any form of enjoyable experience, merely moving from one cat to the other as they sing their own stupid name over and over, telling everyone how fat they are or how much they just love trains. The songs are boring, and that really doesn’t help Hooper’s cause. 

Mixing the un-cinematic style of Cats as a musical, it’s unfinished look, and it’s general awful taste for character design, Cats is one musical too far on the cinematic list. It’s going to be hated by many as they thrive off its limitless flaws, so at least there’s a good conversation to be had afterwards about just how awful the film actually is. 

0/5

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